I saw this when I was reading a list about “The 50 best foods in the world and where to eat them.” Never have I read a food description that has made it so thoroughly unappetizing. Precious bodily fluids? Hemorrhages on the plate? I’m not a food critic, but I imagine the word “hemorrhage” shouldn’t be one of your go-to verbs.

Why do we have to “man up” soup? Are there really guys out there who are homophobic about eating soup?

WOMAN:  Here honey, have some soup?
MAN:  I’m not gay.
WOMAN: But it’s made with your favorite, burgers.
MAN:  Burger soup? (pause) Ok but don’t tell the guys I ate soup. Take off your shirt too. I want to look at titties if I’m going to eat soup. I’m not gay.

(She unbuttons her blouse and gives that half-head-shake-half-sigh that wives gives males in the last two seconds of every commercial.)

Food marketing towards men implies that if after a meal you’re not weighed down by a brick of food in your stomach (comprised mainly of processed meat), you’re not full and therefore, a pussy. Case in point, watch this Hungry-Man TV dinner commercial.

It might as well say, “Hungry-Man TV Dinner: What are you, some sort of faggot? Eat one.” A better tagline would be, “Hungry-Man TV Dinner: Don’t give a fuck? Neither do we.”

One meal alone has 2870mg of sodium. How much is that? Oh about 120% of your Daily Allotment of sodium you should have. Still don’t get it? Take a salt lick. Eat it. Develop diabetes. Now you’re getting it.

This may or may not have happened the other night.

(Two high society ladies with vodka giblets are waiting in a theater lobby next to the concession stand)

LADY 1: Have you tried the “Fearless” Hot Dog?

LADY 2:  Why no, I haven’t.

LADY 1:  Oh you simply must. It’s to die for. The hot dogs were harvested at Niman Ranch… because hot dogs come from ranches, you know.

LADY 2:  I had no idea. I thought they came from factories?

LADY 1: Of course not!

LADY 2:  But I can see the cardboard box there that these hot dogs are coming out of. They look like any other hot dog. They don’t look special.

LADY 1:  Oh but they are! This hot dog is made with beef that is free of hormones and antibiotics. That’s what makes it fearless.

LADY 2:  I do like eating food that sounds strong.

LADY 1:  Me too! You know how I like to eat food that reminds me of the “No Fear” t-shirt subculture a few years back.

LADY 2:  That always surprised me about you.

LADY 1:  I’m full of surprises! Oh I haven’t told you the best part. The hot dog is nested into a soft roll. Look! The man is nesting one now!

LADY 2:  It looks like he’s just placing it on a bun.

LADY 1:  No no, he’s “nesting.” “Placing” is what poor people do.

LADY 2:  I thought hot dogs were always associated with poor people though?

LADY 1:  Not when they’re six bucks.

LADY 2:  Let’s spit on a hobo!

(They yell “huzzah”, clink vodka giblets and order two hot dogs.)

Have you ever had Puerto Rican food? I never knew things were allowed to taste this good. We shared steak sandwiches and this chicken combination platter with sweet plantains. Sweet plantains = candy for dinner. It’s places like these (Sol Food) that will always keep me from becoming vegetarian. That and kielbasa. Have you ever had kielbasa? It’s like putting god in your mouth. I definitely don’t eat as much meat as I used to, mostly because a lot of meat just doesn’t taste that good. For example, if I have to eat at Subway, I order the veggie sandwich because I can never taste the meat on the other sandwiches. And when I do, it’s unfortunate. Their turkey tastes like wet toilet paper. The other reason I cut back is when I found out that the biggest environmental impact you can make is not through biking to work or taking navy showers (although those of course help) - it’s by not eating meat. That combined with having a mother whose a dietician really makes you rethink your eating habits. Dinner conversation growing up usually revolved around the words “betacharotine, omega 3 fatty acids, and childhood obesity.” Now I usually only eat meat if I eat out. It hasn’t been that hard and I actually enjoy it much more when I do. I’d like to try and really cut down on red meat specifically, but carne asada burritos keep making love to my mouth.

THE MEAT LOAF DOUBLE WIDE

House made meat loaf, pepper-jack cheese, lettuce, tomato, and red onion heaped between two jalapeno waffles and served with brown gravy. (from the menu at The Waffle - 6255 W Sunset Blvd.)

Every once and awhile, I like to eat food that is basically a big fuck you to my body. The type of food that makes your body feel like it’s going to war. I ate this monstrosity and I can without a doubt say that I lost. But damn it was good.

STEAK AND KIDNEY PUDDING

The thing I am going to miss most from England (besides my family) is the food. It’s just so hearty and filling. It makes you feel like you can punch an ox and get away with it.