I saw this on the way home from work. Keep your eyes peeled.

I had my bike stolen once in Phoenix. It sucked. I had just bought a week before from this guy in a band for $155. It was one of these new Schwinn street cruisers that had a little tank on it like a motorcycle. It was all black and had a press button horn. I was new to Phoenix, had no money and even less friends, but once I got that bike it was so easy to meet people. People just came up to me and said, “Nice bike.” Friendships ensued. It was a glorious week until that Monday I biked to do the Red Sea open mic. It was a hookah bar that had the same decor as what Prince probably has in his basement. This was really early on in me doing comedy and I was still nervous about doing open mics, especially when I didn’t know exactly what I was going to do which I didn’t. I parked my back outside (stupid move) and ended having one of those sets that made me feel like I made the right decision by moving to Phoenix. What was weird is toward the end of my set, I had this gnawing feeling that I should check on my bike. I brushed it off because I was having a great time on stage which was hard to come by in those days. I went to check on it a bit later and it was gone. The bastards even took the cable lock that they must’ve cut through.

Hey bike thieves, this is from all of us to all of you. Fuck off.